Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
