I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Bring me that man meat
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
