definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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