Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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