I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
