Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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