Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
