he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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