Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
