She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
