She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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