had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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