just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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