he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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