Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
