btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
