I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
