U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
