my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
