At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
