I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
