Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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