Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
