His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
