I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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