I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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