I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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