I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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