So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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