so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
