I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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