I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
