i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
