Someone shit on the floor
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
