I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
