Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
