I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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