What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
