Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
