I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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