sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
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I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
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you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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