Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
