no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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