They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
