"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
