Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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