I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
420 ftw
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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