being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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