I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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