just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
