I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
