I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
