new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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