there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
