I think my vagina is haunted
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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