I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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