Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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